Forget Your New Year’s Resolutions

Posted by John R. Stoiber on December 16, 2018
Posted in: Achievement, Failure Lessons. Tagged: , , , . 1 Comment

New Years Resolution

When I was in my early 20’s I belonged to a local gym where a group of us worked out on a year round basis.   For most of us it was fairly common to be at the gym 10-15 hours a week.   Not extreme, but enough to see each other regularly and get a good feel for who showed up day to day throughout the year.  We became known as “the regulars.”

We would always see new members come and go, but nothing was more obvious than the first two months after the new year.   People would flood the gym in January and I remember the complaints from the regulars regarding how crowded the gym had become. It was the same every year, but it never lasted. By the end of February things were back to normal.  The new members were mostly gone and the regulars had the gym to themselves again.

The memory of the above reminds me why we should NEVER make new year’s resolutions.  What is a new year’s resolution anyway?  What’s magical about January 1st that makes us want to set new goals?  Why couldn’t we have done the same any other day of the year?

New Year’s resolutions in my view are an illusion.  They often have no substance, and no real commitment behind them.  They sound good, and it makes us feel good to talk about them.  But how many of us ever follow through on them for more than a brief time?

New Year’s resolutions come in many forms.  Some of us want to lose weight, get in shape or change our lifestyle.  Others might want to start new activities, find a new job, build new relationships, or whatever.  It can be exciting in concept and the thought of it alone can be energizing.

But here’s the problem.  Achieving most things that people tee up as New Year’s Resolutions are usually not easy.  They take hard work, long-term sustained commitment, and support from others.  This is where our focus should be.  There is nothing about the new year that gives this to us.  We are just kidding ourselves if we think it does.

Is there really anything different about us on December 31st as there is on January 1st?  Did we suddenly have a burst of commitment when the magical ball dropped?  It’s unlikely.

Rather than getting caught in the feeble trap of setting New Year’s resolutions, pick one thing you really want to achieve and get started with the process immediately.   The day doesn’t matter, but your commitment to seeing it through does.  Find a good support network of people who can push you when you get off track.  And most of all, do not give up.

Success is usually just around the corner, but only if you stick to your commitment. If some of those new members at the gym just hung in there until the end of March they would have likely become regulars like the rest of us.

Fire in the Belly

Posted by John R. Stoiber on December 2, 2017
Posted in: Achievement, Uncategorized. Tagged: , , , . Leave a comment

Fire in the Belly

Have you ever heard the expression that someone has “Fire in the Belly?”  Well, it likely doesn’t mean their stomach is on fire or they have a bad case of heartburn!

Fire in the Belly means that someone has a unique quality within that drives them to succeed.  If you have Fire in the Belly, those around you will feel your desire… your passion.  Your self-motivation and focus on achievement will be highly pronounced.  And the work you put into your passion will be obvious.

This past weekend, my 9-year old son demonstrated this trait in a way that I could not help but notice.  There is a competition he recently participated in at his school known as cup stacking.  Using 12 specially made cups, cup stacking requires each competitor to go through a series of up-stacking and down-stacking in different formations known as The Cycle.  Of course, The Cycle is timed and the lowest time wins assuming there were no errors in the stacking.

While the competition was over weeks ago, my son continues to challenge himself to better and better cycle times.   He proudly highlights each new personal record as a milestone.  Hour after hour, with some breaks in between, he pushed himself to go faster.  It was amazing to watch the times go down and down.  Nobody challenged him to do it, he just challenged himself.  I must admit that I soon became intrigued by how short the times became, and what he had to do to break his most recent record.  Failure after failure after failure, he was not defeated.  He just kept on learning, practicing, and refining his movements.

While it’s a simple example that we see in everyday life, when it came to cup stacking, my son had the Fire in the Belly I am talking about.  It can happen on many levels, but it’s a key factor in achievement.

People who have Fire in the Belly are not deterred by failure.  They persevere and pursue their goals relentlessly and see each new breakthrough as a mini-success that pushes them even more.  It’s exciting to watch and experience.  Have you ever had Fire in your Belly?

5 Lessons from Defeat

Posted by John R. Stoiber on November 19, 2017
Posted in: Failure Lessons, Uncategorized. Tagged: , , , , , , , , . Leave a comment

It’s been over a year since I have posted to King of Failure.  However, I am back and energized to continue our journey together.  During my hiatus, I have observed and reflected on many instances of winning and losing… success and failure. What stands out the most, which is no surprise, are the losses… the failures.  What can we learn from them?

I for one do not like losing.  There is nothing fun about it.  Regardless, I know that losing teaches us some important lessons.  Here are five to remember:

  1. Be Gracious:  You don’t have to “like” losing, but winners always show respect for competitors.  Congratulate them.  Shake hands.  Wish them well.  Why?  It’s the right thing to do and there is nothing to be gained by damaging your reputation.  Don’t be a sore loser.  You would not like it when the shoe is on the other foot.
  2. Channel the Energy:  Losing stinks.  It hurts and can feel bad for a long time (if you let it).  You must channel any negative energy from losing into something positive – a specific improvement, a new practice regimen, a change in attitude, a change in strategy, etc.
  3. Get Back on the Horse:  The worst thing you can do is avoid the very thing that resulted in your defeat.  Face it – head on.  Step back up to the plate and try again.  Winners do not give up after a defeat.  Rather, winners learn and get back in the game better prepared.
  4. Don’t Make Excuses:  Rationalizing a loss as the fault of someone else only sets you up for future failure.  Own it.  Take responsibility and do something about it.
  5. Understand Your Motivation:  If losing doesn’t hurt then you may need to find something else to do.  Clearly you don’t want it bad enough.  Your heart is simply not in it.

 

Winning Decisions Are Not Always About Winning

Posted by John R. Stoiber on July 23, 2016
Posted in: Failure Lessons, Fear of Failure. Leave a comment

Winning Decisions 2

Recently the youth baseball season came to a close, and I have been reflecting on the many lessons one experiences coaching young kids.  There are numerous instances where your leadership, patience and decision making ability are tested.

One memory that stands out the most was a game situation with a struggling pitcher.

We were in the final inning of the game, leading by one run, and we needed to shut down the other team to hold on and win.  It would have been a nice victory and the boys had played well.

However, our pitcher was also a kid who had been struggling with his confidence.  He was tough on himself and it reflected in his demeanor.  He had not handled any type of failure well all year, and this situation was no different.

After several walks, we found ourselves with bases loaded, one out, and the winning run on second.  Our pitcher was nervous, and his reactions to what was happening only suggested things may not go well.

At this moment, I had a decision to make.  I could leave him in the game and see what happens, or go for the win and make the pitching change.  The latter decision seemed much easier – it was perhaps the higher percentage play.

However, there was a problem going with the percentages.   How would this pitcher ever overcome fear and learn to win if I “saved” him from potential failure?

With very little time to react, I decided to leave him in the game.  Win or no win, this was a defining moment for this pitcher.  An opportunity to overcome fear.  A chance to face pressure and react.   A time to build confidence.  A moment for his team to stand behind him and support him regardless of the outcome.

So was it a success story?

The next batter struck out.   We were one step closer with two outs and bases loaded.

That’s when it all ended.   A hit through the infield on the next pitch scored two and it was game over.  We lost.

Was it the right call?  If we were only thinking about winning, perhaps a change would have given us a better chance.   There are no guarantees.   Despite what the scoreboard said in the end, I think it was still a winning decision.

In life we will many times face similar situations.  We need the confidence to stand strong and do our best, without someone coming to the rescue.  We need to look fear straight in the eye and persevere, regardless of the result.  This was just a youth baseball game after all.

We all like to win, but I believe the lessons the pitcher and his team learned that day will serve them well and multiply their chances of much bigger success in the long run.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Failure Myth: Successful People Fail Less

Posted by John R. Stoiber on April 2, 2016
Posted in: Uncategorized. Leave a comment

Stoiber - Failure is Part of the Process

When you meet or read about a successful person, do you ever think about the person’s failures?  Does it appear to you that successful people have unblemished track records of success?

Many of us like to compare ourselves to successful people we know.   Have you ever thought about how you measure up?   Could you achieve similar success?   How did that successful person get so unbelievably lucky?   Don’t deny it – it’s what we do.   We compare.

Now perhaps you can appreciate the great things others have accomplished.  But when you compare yourself to successful people do you experience your own thoughts of despair, inadequacy or even stress?    How about feeling behind, anxious, challenged or even a little lost?

Relax.  You’re normal and it’s natural to feel this way.  Deep down most of us want to be successful.  But the road to success can often appear uphill… and sometimes it’s pretty steep.

So do successful people just have it easy?

Do not kid yourself.  The fact is, what we often perceive to be true about successful people – that they experience less failure than everyone else – is a complete myth.

While there may be some exceptions where achievements have come easy, most success does not happen that way.  In fact, I would argue that successful people experience significantly more failure that unsuccessful people.

Frankly, most people cannot achieve great things without moments of failure.  It sounds strange, but that is how we become great – we fail.   We learn from our failure.  We try again. We fail again.  We learn to overcome it.   Failure teaches us more.   We come back stronger.  Ultimately we move forward on a path of success that can span a lifetime.

That’s reality.   If you have not experienced failure, you likely will not experience much success either.

So if all it takes is a little failure for us to become great successes, why are we not all insanely successful?   Surely we can be the rock stars of failure!

The difference comes down to one thing.   Fear.

Unfortunately we develop this fear over time (remember we were more fearless as kids).  We are afraid of how failure will feel and if we can recover from failure.  Most importantly, we are afraid of how others will view us or judge us if we fail.   Ever feel that way?

Thus, we do nothing.  It’s safe.   If I don’t put myself in harm’s way I cannot get hurt, right?

Successful people are simply able to handle this fear of failure better than unsuccessful people.  When you overcome fear, you build confidence.  Confidence leads to challenging your fears even more, but it also helps to view failure as a part of the success process – and accept it.  When successful people accept failure as part of the process to achieving great things, it opens the door to much greater success!

Successful people fail… a lot.

Don’t waste your life worrying about failure and how others might judge you.   Instead, do what successful people do and you will experience your own lifetime of success.

 

Raise Your Personal Standards

Posted by John R. Stoiber on November 15, 2015
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Stoiber - Raise Your Standard

Ever wonder why you have not achieved the things you want in your life?  Are you looking around and seeing others do what you wish you were able to do?  You are not alone.

Although many people set goals, all too often they feel lost and frustrated.  Their goals are just too far out of reach.  Focus is choppy, and progress seems to be minimal or even going backwards.

Why does this happen to so many people?  I believe the core of the answer lies in one area – personal standards.

I see it all the time.  People settle.  They do the minimum and expect maximum results.  Good is good enough.   They stop on the 5-yard line.  Their standards are just too low.  Period.

If you want to achieve more, you have to expect more of yourself.  High achievers constantly raise their personal bar.  They do not let small successes distract them from their bigger goals.  They settle for nothing less than their best effort.  No excuses.  Personal accountability for their own success is a certainty.

Are you someone who gives up after only one try?   Raise your standard to always try something more than once.

Are you someone who views failure as defeat?  Raise your standard to learn from every failure and change your approach.

Are you someone that makes excuses when you do not perform your best?   Raise your standard to take responsibility for your own actions, and move on.

You get the idea.  It starts with standards.  High achievers are constantly raising their own personal standards to never settle for anything less than their best.   Do that, and you too will see more success.

Visualization: A Critical Element of High Achievement

Posted by John R. Stoiber on November 9, 2015
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Stoiber - Visualize

Do you recall the idiom “a picture is worth a thousand words?”

The idea behind this statement is that an image of a subject conveys its meaning or essence more effectively than a description does.   But it can also suggest a critical element of high achievement in my view – the concept of visualization.   Here’s why.

When people “think” they tend to think in images, not just words.  If you tell the same story in words to a group of people, odds are that most will formulate a different picture in their mind related to the story.  However, if you tell the story in pictures, most will see the story similarly.  And frankly, I would argue, most will remember the story better and have a more emotional reaction to it.

The same is true when you target achievements.  To be clear about your end game (your ultimate goal), and maximize your motivation to achieve it, you need to “see” or visualize what the result looks like.  You need to play out the story of achieving it in your head.   For example, if your goal is to win a competitive bike race, you need to visualize yourself crossing the finish line first.   Perhaps you visualize a long lead and easy win, or instead a sprint at the end of the race to beat your competitors at the line.  Regardless, winning the race should be crystal clear in your mind.

What happens next can be amazing.  With great visualization, you will naturally experience more focus, increased motivation, and ultimately better performance than if you did not start with a clear picture of the end game.  If your visualization is foggy, your results will be foggy also.

Another benefit of visualization and putting yourself in the “image” of great achievements is that it will create the emotional capacity to get started, to work harder, and to persevere when setbacks come.  What you see is what you believe is possible.  You may not always achieve your goal the first time, but having a clear picture in your mind of the desired end game will accelerate your path to get there every time.

4 Reasons I Like to Be Afraid

Posted by John R. Stoiber on October 17, 2015
Posted in: Achievement, Fear of Failure. Tagged: , , , , , , , . Leave a comment

Afraid

When most people think of a situation where they have been afraid, they typically wish that it will never happen again.  Why would they?   Being afraid is just plain scary!

What they are missing, however, is the positive value that inherently comes with fear.  What if we embrace being afraid?

Here are four reasons why I personally like to be afraid:

1 – Increased Personal Development:  Generally we like to do what makes us comfortable.  It’s not a natural tendency to put ourselves in places that feel unsafe.  These are outside our comfort zone.

But what if we did?

I love the personal development that comes with being afraid – it is learning like no other – and unless we push ourselves to do things that stretch our comfort level, we will stop developing.

2 – Speed to Action:  We often hear the phrase “trust your gut.”  But how many of us actually do?  When we are afraid, our natural survival instincts take over – we process information quickly, make faster decisions, and take action without heavy analysis or contemplation.

We trust our gut and go.

The funny thing is we are usually right.  Imagine if we could trust our gut more when we are NOT afraid!

3 – Meaningful Results:  When we are afraid, what is the one thing we can typically say about what is happening at that moment?  Usually we are doing something worthwhile or important.

Why else would we be afraid?  We likely have fear of failure.

But if we are never afraid, do we ever achieve important and meaningful things?  I would argue that with lack of fear comes mediocrity.  We perform best and achieve the most when we have some element of fear.

4 – Boost in Long-Term Achievement Potential:  What is the best part about being afraid?  Strengthening your capacity to manage fear and to channel that fear into achieving even greater things.  The more you introduce fear, the higher your fear tolerance.  As your tolerance to harness fear increases over time, so does your achievement potential.

We need to be afraid.  You can choose to do things that may scare you, or you can settle with being mediocre. High achievers see fear as the ultimate fuel of success.

Fear Your Plan, Not Your Goals

Posted by John R. Stoiber on August 22, 2015
Posted in: Achievement, Failure Lessons, Fear of Failure, Uncategorized. Tagged: , , , , , , , , . Leave a comment

Blog Photo - Fear Your Plan

All too often I have seen people in situations where they walk away from a goal at the first sign of adversity or challenge.  The goal may have been a big one that was considered by others as lofty or far from reach.  For example, a goal of becoming the best golfer in the world, or a goal of becoming a billionaire.  However, the goal could also have been something that many others have already achieved, such as running a marathon, earning a six-figure salary, or learning a second language.

But why do so many people give up on their goals even when they are within reach?

In most cases, I would argue, it is because of fear. The fear of failure. Some people are just hoping for an excuse to quit.  Others let setbacks or challenges increase their fear to the point where the pain of potential failure outweighs the pain (the hard work) of achieving the goal in the first place.  This is a common tale.  Too common, and unfortunate.

But what exactly are these people afraid of?   Is it the goal itself that scares them?  Is it what other people will say (the naysayers) if they do not achieve it?   The fact is most goals people set are achievable, but yet so many give up.

The problem in my view is not the goals.  Most people do not set “scary” goals.   Instead the focus should be shifted to the PLAN to get there.  If your plan scares you, so will your goal.   But great planning is the antidote of fear.  If you are afraid of failing to achieve any goal you have set, you do not have the right plan.

So how do you put together the right plan?

Find others who have achieved the same thing and use their experience to build or enhance your plan.  Think through what might happen along the way, and be prepared in advance to react when you reach a roadblock.  Find mentors, coaches or others who can increase your focus on the plan you already have in place.   Then work your plan.  Refine it.  Work it again.  The chances of achieving your goals with little fear of failing will increase dramatically.

Say No to the “Participation Trophy”

Posted by John R. Stoiber on April 22, 2015
Posted in: Achievement, Failure Lessons, Uncategorized. Tagged: , , , , , , , , . Leave a comment

Stop Sign - Win Fail

As an active coach of youth sports, I have personally witnessed the performance, attitudes, and motivation of many young people. While the experience has generally been quite positive, there is one idea that I believe is fundamentally flawed.  That is the idea of a “participation trophy” – a prize or award for just showing up.

Now I am a big believer in maintaining a positive, encouraging environment in which young people can learn and develop.  However, the thought of building an “expectation” that regardless of your attitude, behavior or performance you will still be rewarded in the same manner is just the wrong approach in my view.

What do we honestly hope to achieve with the “participation trophy?”

Are we worried that our kids will be forever scarred if they do not experience winning at every turn?  Do we believe they are in such a fragile mental state at a young age that they MUST be a winner in everything they do?  Why do we feel compelled to shelter our kids from any possible feeling of failure?

While some may disagree, I believe we are making a huge mistake in teaching our young people that rewards come this easy.  That’s not real life.  In fact, I think the effects can actually set many young people up for sustained failure in the future if we create the expectation that they can win (achieve) without putting in the work.

Does a student graduate with honors without working hard to do well in class?  No.  Does the boss pay bonuses to the team just for showing up?  I should hope not.

Perhaps a more meaningful approach is to help young people understand what it takes to be a winner.  It takes a good attitude, self-motivation, a genuine desire, solid teamwork (in many cases) and a lot of hard work.  If we fail we need to know how that feels.  We need to learn from it, and understand what we need to do to improve.  Failure can be a real positive, and create a “fire in the belly” that only those who have failed will ever know or experience.  Failure inspires winners.

So save the rewards for the big achievements when we truly reach a goal that is more meaningful than just showing up.  If we avoid seeking unearned rewards such as the “participation trophy,” we will take full advantage of our true abilities and achievement potential.