Failure Lessons

Forget Your New Year’s Resolutions

Posted by John R. Stoiber on December 16, 2018
Posted in: Achievement, Failure Lessons. Tagged: , , , . 1 Comment

New Years Resolution

When I was in my early 20’s I belonged to a local gym where a group of us worked out on a year round basis.   For most of us it was fairly common to be at the gym 10-15 hours a week.   Not extreme, but enough to see each other regularly and get a good feel for who showed up day to day throughout the year.  We became known as “the regulars.”

We would always see new members come and go, but nothing was more obvious than the first two months after the new year.   People would flood the gym in January and I remember the complaints from the regulars regarding how crowded the gym had become. It was the same every year, but it never lasted. By the end of February things were back to normal.  The new members were mostly gone and the regulars had the gym to themselves again.

The memory of the above reminds me why we should NEVER make new year’s resolutions.  What is a new year’s resolution anyway?  What’s magical about January 1st that makes us want to set new goals?  Why couldn’t we have done the same any other day of the year?

New Year’s resolutions in my view are an illusion.  They often have no substance, and no real commitment behind them.  They sound good, and it makes us feel good to talk about them.  But how many of us ever follow through on them for more than a brief time?

New Year’s resolutions come in many forms.  Some of us want to lose weight, get in shape or change our lifestyle.  Others might want to start new activities, find a new job, build new relationships, or whatever.  It can be exciting in concept and the thought of it alone can be energizing.

But here’s the problem.  Achieving most things that people tee up as New Year’s Resolutions are usually not easy.  They take hard work, long-term sustained commitment, and support from others.  This is where our focus should be.  There is nothing about the new year that gives this to us.  We are just kidding ourselves if we think it does.

Is there really anything different about us on December 31st as there is on January 1st?  Did we suddenly have a burst of commitment when the magical ball dropped?  It’s unlikely.

Rather than getting caught in the feeble trap of setting New Year’s resolutions, pick one thing you really want to achieve and get started with the process immediately.   The day doesn’t matter, but your commitment to seeing it through does.  Find a good support network of people who can push you when you get off track.  And most of all, do not give up.

Success is usually just around the corner, but only if you stick to your commitment. If some of those new members at the gym just hung in there until the end of March they would have likely become regulars like the rest of us.

5 Lessons from Defeat

Posted by John R. Stoiber on November 19, 2017
Posted in: Failure Lessons, Uncategorized. Tagged: , , , , , , , , . Leave a comment

It’s been over a year since I have posted to King of Failure.  However, I am back and energized to continue our journey together.  During my hiatus, I have observed and reflected on many instances of winning and losing… success and failure. What stands out the most, which is no surprise, are the losses… the failures.  What can we learn from them?

I for one do not like losing.  There is nothing fun about it.  Regardless, I know that losing teaches us some important lessons.  Here are five to remember:

  1. Be Gracious:  You don’t have to “like” losing, but winners always show respect for competitors.  Congratulate them.  Shake hands.  Wish them well.  Why?  It’s the right thing to do and there is nothing to be gained by damaging your reputation.  Don’t be a sore loser.  You would not like it when the shoe is on the other foot.
  2. Channel the Energy:  Losing stinks.  It hurts and can feel bad for a long time (if you let it).  You must channel any negative energy from losing into something positive – a specific improvement, a new practice regimen, a change in attitude, a change in strategy, etc.
  3. Get Back on the Horse:  The worst thing you can do is avoid the very thing that resulted in your defeat.  Face it – head on.  Step back up to the plate and try again.  Winners do not give up after a defeat.  Rather, winners learn and get back in the game better prepared.
  4. Don’t Make Excuses:  Rationalizing a loss as the fault of someone else only sets you up for future failure.  Own it.  Take responsibility and do something about it.
  5. Understand Your Motivation:  If losing doesn’t hurt then you may need to find something else to do.  Clearly you don’t want it bad enough.  Your heart is simply not in it.

 

Winning Decisions Are Not Always About Winning

Posted by John R. Stoiber on July 23, 2016
Posted in: Failure Lessons, Fear of Failure. Leave a comment

Winning Decisions 2

Recently the youth baseball season came to a close, and I have been reflecting on the many lessons one experiences coaching young kids.  There are numerous instances where your leadership, patience and decision making ability are tested.

One memory that stands out the most was a game situation with a struggling pitcher.

We were in the final inning of the game, leading by one run, and we needed to shut down the other team to hold on and win.  It would have been a nice victory and the boys had played well.

However, our pitcher was also a kid who had been struggling with his confidence.  He was tough on himself and it reflected in his demeanor.  He had not handled any type of failure well all year, and this situation was no different.

After several walks, we found ourselves with bases loaded, one out, and the winning run on second.  Our pitcher was nervous, and his reactions to what was happening only suggested things may not go well.

At this moment, I had a decision to make.  I could leave him in the game and see what happens, or go for the win and make the pitching change.  The latter decision seemed much easier – it was perhaps the higher percentage play.

However, there was a problem going with the percentages.   How would this pitcher ever overcome fear and learn to win if I “saved” him from potential failure?

With very little time to react, I decided to leave him in the game.  Win or no win, this was a defining moment for this pitcher.  An opportunity to overcome fear.  A chance to face pressure and react.   A time to build confidence.  A moment for his team to stand behind him and support him regardless of the outcome.

So was it a success story?

The next batter struck out.   We were one step closer with two outs and bases loaded.

That’s when it all ended.   A hit through the infield on the next pitch scored two and it was game over.  We lost.

Was it the right call?  If we were only thinking about winning, perhaps a change would have given us a better chance.   There are no guarantees.   Despite what the scoreboard said in the end, I think it was still a winning decision.

In life we will many times face similar situations.  We need the confidence to stand strong and do our best, without someone coming to the rescue.  We need to look fear straight in the eye and persevere, regardless of the result.  This was just a youth baseball game after all.

We all like to win, but I believe the lessons the pitcher and his team learned that day will serve them well and multiply their chances of much bigger success in the long run.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fear Your Plan, Not Your Goals

Posted by John R. Stoiber on August 22, 2015
Posted in: Achievement, Failure Lessons, Fear of Failure, Uncategorized. Tagged: , , , , , , , , . Leave a comment

Blog Photo - Fear Your Plan

All too often I have seen people in situations where they walk away from a goal at the first sign of adversity or challenge.  The goal may have been a big one that was considered by others as lofty or far from reach.  For example, a goal of becoming the best golfer in the world, or a goal of becoming a billionaire.  However, the goal could also have been something that many others have already achieved, such as running a marathon, earning a six-figure salary, or learning a second language.

But why do so many people give up on their goals even when they are within reach?

In most cases, I would argue, it is because of fear. The fear of failure. Some people are just hoping for an excuse to quit.  Others let setbacks or challenges increase their fear to the point where the pain of potential failure outweighs the pain (the hard work) of achieving the goal in the first place.  This is a common tale.  Too common, and unfortunate.

But what exactly are these people afraid of?   Is it the goal itself that scares them?  Is it what other people will say (the naysayers) if they do not achieve it?   The fact is most goals people set are achievable, but yet so many give up.

The problem in my view is not the goals.  Most people do not set “scary” goals.   Instead the focus should be shifted to the PLAN to get there.  If your plan scares you, so will your goal.   But great planning is the antidote of fear.  If you are afraid of failing to achieve any goal you have set, you do not have the right plan.

So how do you put together the right plan?

Find others who have achieved the same thing and use their experience to build or enhance your plan.  Think through what might happen along the way, and be prepared in advance to react when you reach a roadblock.  Find mentors, coaches or others who can increase your focus on the plan you already have in place.   Then work your plan.  Refine it.  Work it again.  The chances of achieving your goals with little fear of failing will increase dramatically.

Say No to the “Participation Trophy”

Posted by John R. Stoiber on April 22, 2015
Posted in: Achievement, Failure Lessons, Uncategorized. Tagged: , , , , , , , , . Leave a comment

Stop Sign - Win Fail

As an active coach of youth sports, I have personally witnessed the performance, attitudes, and motivation of many young people. While the experience has generally been quite positive, there is one idea that I believe is fundamentally flawed.  That is the idea of a “participation trophy” – a prize or award for just showing up.

Now I am a big believer in maintaining a positive, encouraging environment in which young people can learn and develop.  However, the thought of building an “expectation” that regardless of your attitude, behavior or performance you will still be rewarded in the same manner is just the wrong approach in my view.

What do we honestly hope to achieve with the “participation trophy?”

Are we worried that our kids will be forever scarred if they do not experience winning at every turn?  Do we believe they are in such a fragile mental state at a young age that they MUST be a winner in everything they do?  Why do we feel compelled to shelter our kids from any possible feeling of failure?

While some may disagree, I believe we are making a huge mistake in teaching our young people that rewards come this easy.  That’s not real life.  In fact, I think the effects can actually set many young people up for sustained failure in the future if we create the expectation that they can win (achieve) without putting in the work.

Does a student graduate with honors without working hard to do well in class?  No.  Does the boss pay bonuses to the team just for showing up?  I should hope not.

Perhaps a more meaningful approach is to help young people understand what it takes to be a winner.  It takes a good attitude, self-motivation, a genuine desire, solid teamwork (in many cases) and a lot of hard work.  If we fail we need to know how that feels.  We need to learn from it, and understand what we need to do to improve.  Failure can be a real positive, and create a “fire in the belly” that only those who have failed will ever know or experience.  Failure inspires winners.

So save the rewards for the big achievements when we truly reach a goal that is more meaningful than just showing up.  If we avoid seeking unearned rewards such as the “participation trophy,” we will take full advantage of our true abilities and achievement potential.

High Achievers Don’t Let Excuses Justify Their Failures

Posted by John R. Stoiber on March 9, 2015
Posted in: Achievement, Failure Lessons, Uncategorized. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , . Leave a comment

No Excuses

Admit it.  We have all done it.  We have made excuses for not achieving something we set out to accomplish.  It’s easy to do, and if you do it once it can quickly become an unfortunate habit.

Why do we make excuses about our failures?  Perhaps we told others about our plans for achievement and we are now embarrassed to say we did absolutely nothing or fell short of our goals when asked about our progress.  Did we have to save face?  Should we be making excuses for our own procrastination, lack of commitment, or laziness?  How could this possibly help, and why do we lie to ourselves about it?  More often than not, once we start making excuses there is a pretty good chance we will never achieve what we started out to accomplish.

I’m sure we have all found ourselves asking these questions from time to time (whether we can admit it or not).  But if we want to be high achievers we must take responsibility for our failure and lack of progress regardless of how it happened.  Achievers are honest about failure.  They accept it and learn from it.  They do not let themselves off the hook with worthless excuses when they do not accomplish their goals.  Achievers are accountable.  Rather than attempting to justify why they did not get there, high achievers focus instead on what they are going to do to change the situation and get back on track.

Next time you set a goal and do not get there, save your excuses and hold yourself accountable.  If you do, you’ll join the other high achievers who are turning their failures into great success.

 

Four Lessons I Have Learned from Failure Moments

Posted by John R. Stoiber on February 14, 2015
Posted in: Failure Lessons. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , . 1 Comment

Four Lessons from Failure

When you experience failure, and you will, it is not the failure itself that ultimately matters. What matters most is what you learned from the failure, and what action you took to overcome it.

As I reflect back on my own failure moments, a number of lessons come to mind that will remain with me for a lifetime.  While failure is truly relative and situational, these lessons will apply to anyone that has failed.  They serve as helpful reminders that make us stronger and more capable of handling whatever setbacks come our way in the future.

Here are four failure lessons that I have found particularly helpful:

1. Strength of Will:  A moment of failure is one where one’s “will” is tested.  Does failing deflate your desire or drive to achieve something, or does it fuel your fire even more to work harder, commit more energy, and push towards a goal?  If you are like me, you choose the latter.  You use the experience as motivation, you strengthen your will to succeed.  You get stronger, and move on from the failure more swiftly.

2. Refined Discipline:  Achievement, regardless of how big the goal, takes discipline.  The ability to control your behavior when faced with a variety of unexpected influences or temptations is critical to success.  Each failure makes you reflect on your discipline and think about how it might be refined to avoid the possibility of future failure.  How can you better handle the curve balls that come your way during the process of success?  Failing teaches us to be more disciplined in that process by helping us to know what works and what does not work.

3. Courage Trumps Fear:  For most people, failure moments only amplify the overarching fear that people have of failing.  When failure happens, it is easy for the fear of failure to increase.  Take the safe route.  Don’t make a mistake or it will hurt.  However, the lesson we learn from failure is that the more courage we have to overcome it and move on the less fear can creep into our heads and hold us back.  Courage is the slayer of fear.  Courage allows us to regroup, prioritize what is next, and continue on our success journey without fear of a repeat failure.

4. True Relationships Are Revealed:  You might wonder why I have included this one as it relates to failure lessons.  But, this is a big one in my view. When you are experiencing great success, it seems that your relationships also tend to grow and you naturally attract more people into your own professional and personal network.  However, when the chips are down, your “true” relationships are revealed by those that stand with you. Where does your encouragement come from, and who is by your side to quickly offer support (and sometimes defense) related to the failure?  Where are your true relationships?  If you really think you have a good relationship with someone, and you feel a sense of trust with that person, what happens in moments of failure will clearly show you how real and meaningful that relationship really is.  Trust me, it is enlightening and I encourage you to reflect on this regarding past failures. We as humans rely heavily on our relationships to feed our strength of will, to build our courage, and to hold us accountable for maintaining our stated discipline.  Having true relationships around you can make all the difference in handling failure.